The Walk and Talk ... open communication with children

Recently I wrote an article about my " 3 simple rules for great child rearing" and promised to write two more articles. One on talking to our kids about sex, drugs, etc. And the one I am going to cover today, about how I keep open communication with my child about any topic.

In today's society it is not easy to keep open communication with our kids. Today's kids have so much more on their minds then kids from 50 years ago. They have many more pressures and many more questions at younger and younger ages. Finding ways to let your child know they can come to you with anything can seem like an impossible mission. But it is not. It is quite achievable at any age. How do I do it?

We call it the "Walk and Talk"

It came about by accident. My daughter and I once again moved to a new location and were trying to adjust to the changes in our lives. She was only a small child and about to start kindergarden. But none the less, we both had pressures to overcome. She as I, had left all our friends behind and moved from Northen Indiana, all the way down to Florida.

One evening just after the sun had set and I was feeling the pressure of trying to adjust to the new city, my daughter noticed my stresss and said, "Mom, let's go for a walk."

It was a great idea. I always loved walking and it was a beautiful evening. We stepped outside and being new to the area, had no idea which way to go, so we both pointed left and off we went.

At first we quietly walked along admiring the beauty of the area and the good feeling of stretching our legs a bit. Then my daughter spoke first. She said, "Mom you seem like you are stressed out. You need to relax. It will be ok." ( SHE was comforting me. She always did have a great sense of wisdom even as a young child) She went on to say that G-D would make everything alright but that I should not hold it in. I should talk about it... And I did.

While remembering her young age, and keeping the discussion age appropriate, I discussed with her how I missed home and our friends. I shared how this change was not what I had planned so it scares me a bit. She in turn discussed how she too missed our home and friends, and how she too felt a bit out of place in our new area.

We comforted each other with reminding one another that G-D has always found a way for us before and will this time too. Once we got out all the stress we were carrying we began to discuss fun things, silly things, and what felt like long ago memeories of our friends back home. We walked and talked for what must have been more than two hours until we made our way back to our street and back to our new home.

Before we went in, we both stopped on the side walk and said, "That was fun, we should do it again." My daughter then said, yes, we will call them our "Walk and Talks." And that is how the Walk and Talk got its name and took its place in our lives.

When we went back into the house we no longer discussed the conversations of the evening and went about getting done what needed to be done to learn to love our new home.

A few days later after my daughter's first day of school, she felt she needed another Walk and Talk. She had some things she wanted to discuss about her new adventures about school. She told me how she loved her school, her teachers, and the silly little boys making googly eyes at her. However, she was not pleased that not one of her teachers could pronounce her name properly despite it being a very simple name. We suggested ideas how to teach the teachers her name and had a fun conversation as we walked.

Once again when we arrived home, we did not dicuss the matter once inside.

So one day when my daughter said she had something serious to discuss, she asked for another Walk and Talk. We decided that day from this point on that all discussions during our Walk and Talks would never enter our home.

That the Walk and Talk was a place where we could go and discuss any matter with no reprocussions, anger, or upset. It was almost like our own little confessional booth that brought us closer together and opend all the doors of communication between us.

As the years past, our Walk and Talks took on new meaning. Her concerns had grown past teachers pronouncing her name correctly, into serious questions and concerns about her friends, pressures at school, behaviors of others, and her own growing questions about love, life, and beyond.

At home, if she wished to discuss something then I was mom. I gave advice as a mother and treated us like a mother-daughter relationship. If she had a bad day but did not want me to know what it was because I "wouldn't understand" or would just give her "mom advice", she would not always open up.

But on our walk and talks, we were just people. People who could say anything to one another and no repercussions were involved. No mommy lectures. No nagging. No OMG say what?, moments. It was just us.

So when one day she needed to discuss that she thought one of her friends had begun drinking, she wanted to do it in a Walk and Talk so I would not, as the "mom" go ballistic and forbid the friend to our home anymore. Or run off to the parents and make an issue of it and possibly cause her other friends to not trust her anymore for telling.

She told me all about it and how she felt about it. She shared with me that she didn't think it was right and was worried for her friend. As just a person, and not her mom at that moment, I shared unbiased thoughts about how to approach the matter and handle it. I shared with her a similar story in my youth, which as "mom" I would never have shared with a child of young age. But we were in our Walk and Talk, and we could openly discuss anything during that time. At the end of our discussion I suggested that if she was ready to tell her "mom" about it at "home" then mom could talk to the child's parents and help.

As worried as I was for the child in mention, it was more important that I kept our open line of communication and trust with my daughter. I Knew that one day, someone would offer her something or try to pressure her, and I wanted to be sure that she would still feel she could come to me, if only in a Walk and Talk.

In case you are wondering, my daughter thought about my unbiased advice on our Walk and Talk, and a few days later came to me at home as "mom" and asked me to help. She also decided that she would no longer be friends with that child since she did not want the troubles it could cause in her own life. (I was very proud of her)

We have continued to have Walk and Talks even today. We will probably have them the rest of our lives. They are a wonderful way for us to have open communication without repercussion, and I as a parent, get to know that I am one of the very blessed parents ,to have stumbled on a way to stay in touch with all the aspects of my daughter's life.

The best thing about Walk and Talks is that you can begin them at any age with your own children. Do them separately with each child so they have the freedom to speak openly about topics they want kept private.

If you feel that your communication relationship with your child is too far gone to make this work, it isn't. Try this....Explain to your child what the Walk and Talk is. Explain that anything said during the Walk and Talk STAYS in the Walk and Talk. That nothing they say can come back into the home.

Then keep your word. If they say little or nothing during your first few tries, don't worry, they will slowly come around. Let them open up at their own pace and never pressure them to say more than they offer. Once they trust this new openess, you will be amazed at what all they will confidently share with you.

No matter how disturbing what your child says is during your Walk and Talk, leave it at the door and mention nothing about it when you go into the house. Do not tell your spouse, your friends, no one. This is a covenant between you and your child. Even if it is something disturbing to you, you must, as the parent, behave like nothing is different once you go back into the home.

If you do this once and your child sees that you were honest about your word, they will open up again. Over time trust on both sides will bloom and your child will open up about more and more important issues in their lives that you want to be a part of.

But what if what they say the first time is something like they tried drugs???

First..stay calm. Remember, you are not the parent during the Walk and Talk. You are just a person walking beside another person. Then give them the respect of listening and letting them share with you why they did it, how they did it, and when they do it. Your response can be a story you experienced in your childhood or simply calmly asking if they want to stop. You can ask them how they feel when using them. Or how they feel after. You can ask if they feel it is hurting their grades at school or if they simply do it out of pressure. Let them talk and express themselves without you ever getting angry, judgemental, or "parental" with them. Make no accusations. If you think little Johhny next door is the one who got your child into drugs, say, "Who offered them to you the first time?" Do Not say, "I bet it's that damn Johnny wasn't it? I knew he was no good." This will cause your child to close up imediately and they may not be willing to open up again. Ask questions but do not infer that you already know the answers or are upset even if you are. Stay calm.

This open line of communication will make them once again see you as someone to be close to and they will probably come to you in the home as the "parent" and ask for your help.

If you have a situation where you feel your child is defiant towards you, then keep this in mind, they may tell you something horrible that isn't even true just to see if you are being honest about offering them a person and place they can discuss anything, and still be safe. This is why staying calm and unbiased is so important.

You can begin your Walk and Talks at any age. Take your three year old for a walk and discuss a new toy or movie they saw to get the plan started. As they get older, raise the bar and explain to them what it all means. Remember my daughter was about to start her first day of kindergarten when our Walk and Talks began.

Let your Walk and Talks take place at any time or any place. You never know when your child may have someting they desperately need to discuss "Right Now", and could make a world of difference how they handle a situation in their life at the time.